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Thursday, November 02, 2006

I just realized that I haven't exhausted all my options yet, so I guess those harsh words won't come into play yet (in other words, I'm conditionally taking back what I said last night). I will let you know how that goes before I'll start assailing my heavy-handed criticisms on Person X.
-- posted by Fernand at 12:23 AM

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I've been thinking: how inadequate of a person am I? How adequate am I? What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? These are some of the things I've been asking myself for a while. While I look inward, I also keep my eyes peeled on the outside world and the interconnected web of people whom I interact with on a daily/hourly/minutely basis. Recently, the actions of certain people have raised a pretty serious question: who are my true friends? I can count how many I had from birth to the end of high school: three. But here in college, I'm not quite so sure whom to regard as a true friend anymore. Now, that doesn't mean I'm just going to shun them entirely; it's just that I definitely won't rely on them when the going gets extremely tough because I doubt they'll watch my back or provide the support I need in those times of crisis. Another way to look at this is that because of these certain people, I will try my hardest to not open up as readily as I used to. Now, for the sake of understanding, my definition of a true friend is a friend who is willing to watch your back, help in times of crisis, have fun doing stuff, even though they're not really into the sorts of things that I like, be honest, ask for help when his or her options run out, and listen to that help/support/advice/whatever. In addition, true friends should be willing to compromise and not throw out cold, empty threats. Based on the actions of certain people, from a practical viewpoint, I cannot see them as true friends because those actions run counter to the previously-defined definition of a true friend (even though it looked like they were in one case, or in another case, where it is somewhat obvious they are not really true friends, but certain complicated situations dating back a few years force me to forge an alliance of sorts with them). Yet my moral conscience tells me that this entire argument should not come into play AT ALL because I would never be able to know WHY they're performing the deception in the first place or read their minds.. Another dilemma that I'm facing right now is which side will win: the moral viewpoint or the practical viewpoint. I suppose in this day and age, the practical viewpoint would win out because even if I tried the moral viewpoint, not everyone shares the same core Christian values as I do, which makes it all the harder for me to assist in ending the injustices I see in this world. (If that doesn't make sense to you at all, blame the sleepiness factor, not the person.) Yet my heart, which yearns for that perfect world, stresses the importance of absolute morals. It's a raging internal conflict that will unlikely be resolved anytime in the future. So yeah, my point is that yes, there are people who are obviously not true friends, and while they can hinder progress, the biggest threat lies in those who are subtle in their deception. As a result, people need to be more careful with their choice of friends as well as their actions and words. I learned this over the years, and I will do my best to review these concepts once more in the years to come.

Since it seems I got a sudden burst of energy despite the deepness of this night, I will say this: long friendships imply the quality of being a true friend, but the converse is not necessarily true: that having the quality of being a true friend implies long friendships. The only thing that can be true in this case is the contrapositive.

Since I am very very sleepy now (lost that burst of energy), I have one last piece of advice to whom this post is really meant for: "Whatever happens, happens." -Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop
-- posted by Fernand at 2:25 AM

Monday, October 02, 2006

Crap... I didn't get a good night's sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning, thinking about what is to come later in the day. Man, this is going to be SO hard. I'm trying to pray VERY hard now, hoping that God will give me the strength to deal with whatever will come.

On a separate note, I seriously LOVE this LaTeX DeCal. Gonna get a haircut later today because I think my hair's too long =(

I dunno why today's so complicated. Why can't it be easier like the good old days of elementary school?

Currently listening to: Fall Out Boy - Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)
-- posted by Fernand at 6:46 AM

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Mood: A bit frustrated

I feel pretty frustrated. I feel helpless and weak. I feel like a real idiot. Those words have described how I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I feel very very inadequate. I guess you can say that I kinda envy several people for their ability to do lots of shit at once. It's hard enough for me to work on a particular task as it is. I dunno, I feel like I seriously lack something. I feel so unprepared. It's like I jumped into this world without a clue as to what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. I also feel that people have almost NOTHING in common with me in terms of the SPECIFIC MIX of stuff I like. For instance, it's hard for me to transition from computers to anime within my circle of friends. They would just shrug me off and continue with their discussion. Which leads to the question as to why the hell people are not computer literate? I simply do not understand what holds people back from learning how to fully utilize a computer. I guess I wish that the learning curve for computers would be pretty gradual instead of extremely easy then becoming insanely hard. I mean, no one I know really wants to go to the Anime Expo with me! Must I have to rely on old friends from elementary school for me to go to the Anime Expo? That's messed up. That's another reason why I really want to find someone who possesses similar interests, because talking to a wall gets tiring after a while. Staring at the ceiling with a light rain falling from my eyes, I think, "How the hell can people be so popular?"

Which leads to my love life: It's so shitty right now because it's nonexistent. Some people have a natural knack to it (won't name names, but they're not only in UC Berkeley, that's for sure); unfortunately, I do not. I guess I get too worried about how the other person would feel. But mostly, I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I've already been hurt so many times; why go through the pain again? Yes, I do like someone, but this may be the last girl I'll try to pursue for a very long time if I fail, because the emotional pain would be pretty high if I do fail miserably (although I guess a compromise would work).

Overall, I just feel that I'm severely lacking the "stuff" many of my peers have. =(

Currently listening to: Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World
-- posted by Fernand at 12:33 AM

Sunday, September 10, 2006

OK, so I lied... I didn't post later, I'm tired. Let me get some freaking sleep for once. Good night.

Currently listening to: Coldplay - A Message
-- posted by Fernand at 1:53 AM

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Two hours and counting until I have to do Ovations at Memorial Stadium...

This stupid allergy is annoying me like crazy. I have NO clue what I'm allergic to in my room! It's maddening!

Well, I can't think of anything to post right now, so I shall do so later after I watch the video that Tina uploaded onto her Xanga. Later.

Currently listening to: Franz Ferdinand - Do You Want To
-- posted by Fernand at 8:42 AM

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Have not posted in a few days. That's because I have so much shit to do! Let us just say that I was a bit disappointed in what I saw for the past week. A few other people have agreed with me with that, which is pretty sad, IMO. I mean, people need to take stuff REALLY seriously. They need to get their shit together, or else it all falls apart.

On a side note, though, I was a bit disappointed that Patrick, Jason, myself, and a couple of other people were not able to crash Tony's place and throw together a makeshift housewarming party. It would have been a great party! Oh well; I suppose everyone was tired from all the fun during the Labor Day weekend anyway. =(

So I am currently at Jason and Matt's room right now (using Jason's computer to whip up this post). One thing I find noteworthy: the pencil sharpener to the left of Jason's left speaker is the same pencil sharpener I saw in his room a LONG while back. I guess as they say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Took a looksie at Patrick, Lawrence, and Michael's room. Looks like only Michael is in at the moment. I just joined his Facebook group regarding the death of the "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin. He is such a great guy; the world will definitely miss him. Speaking of Facebook, the admins introduced the concept of newsfeeds by implementing newsfeeds and "minifeeds" that specify EVERYTHING that all of your friends are currently doing, such as joining/leaving groups, starting/ending relationships, changing current statuses, writing on walls, etc. Yes, the regular Facebook user can find all of this out without the use of this newsfeed, but this feature makes Facebook even more inviting for stalkers. On the other hand, the good part about this feature (if you can call it good) is that it finally puts the issue of privacy into the forefront of the Facebook users' minds. I mean, it is not Facebook's fault that people divulge nearly EVERYTHING about themselves on a social networking site, which is why I recommend only allowing friends to see your profile. That way, you can still be searched, but the person searching for you has to know you personally or through a friend in order for them to be able to see your profile.

Anyway, I shall be heading back to my dorm room so I can work on some math homework as well as getting some much-needed rest. I will post a little bit later once I get back from the second informational event at Kip's. Later.

Currently listening to: Matt's nearly-constant typing on his keyboard (I don't know what the hell people type when they're at coffee shops or when they're supposed to read their book for homework *coughmatt'sprocrastinatingcough*; it's soooo maddening!)
-- posted by Fernand at 3:59 PM